_By Bishop Michael Pfeifer, OMI

WHY?
      The loss of a loved one to suicide is one of the greatest tragedies life can bring. We often react with shock, guilt, anger, and depression. Family members often feel profound guilt and responsibility. Our reaction is why, why, why did this happen? What could we have done better? What did we fail to see? Suicide of a son or daughter can feel like the ultimate failure of parenting.
        When someone dies of suicide, the shock and confusion it causes has a severity all its own. Dying by one’s own hands has different implications than dying of natural causes and the grief that follows a suicide is one of the most traumatic experiences in life. The survivors may blame either their loved one or themselves.
        It is difficult to know what really went on in the mind and heart of a person before suicide. To generalize is not helpful because each suicide is individual. Some who committed suicide may simply have felt trapped, perceiving themselves as victims in a hopeless situation. They saw death as a way out of unbearable pain.
       Amidst grave suffering, there will always be a tendency to want to know why such tragedies occur. If there were a suicide note, it might shed some light on the motives. If the person had a troubled past or had been receiving mental health services, questions about the appropriateness of the medication and the quality of the services may become obsessive.

INFLUENCE OF MENTAL DISORDERS
      Veterans’ suicides account for a fifth of the some 33,000 suicides each year due to the war conflicts they have experienced and the number is increasing. Everyday, roughly 85 people in the United States take their own lives. Mental illness and suicide among youth are serious problems in the United State. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), half of all cases of mental illness begin by age fourteen. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry states that suicide is the third leading cause of death for fifteen- to twenty-four-year-olds.
      Recent studies show that more than 95 percent of young people who took their own lives had been diagnosed with a mental disorder. Severe depression is the most prevalent of these disorders. Other psychological diagnoses that increase the risk of suicide among teens include bi-polar disorder and addiction to alcohol and/or drugs.  Often, other contributing or precipitating factors are physical illness along with mental illness, disintegrating family relationships, a sense of not belonging, bullying, personal or economic failures, grief over the loss of a loved one, overwhelming social pressures. These conditions often cause people, especially the young, distress, irritability, agitation, hopelessness, and feelings of worthlessness. One just does not wake up one day and want to die. There are events in life that make some people more vulnerable to suicide.
       Given the strong correlation between psychological conditions and suicide, it is important to recognize the early symptoms in order to seek professional help that could make a significant impact.
    The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry lists the following warning signs for parents concerning the risk for suicide in adolescents:
·      Change in eating and sleeping habits
·      Withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
·      Violent actions towards self and others
·      Rebellious behavior or running away
·      Drug and alcohol use
·      Unusual neglect of personal appearance
·      Marked personality change
·      Persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
·      Frequent complaints about physical symptoms such as stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue, often related to emotions
·      Loss of interest in pleasurable activities
·      Not tolerating praise or rewards
·      Complaining of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
·      Giving verbal hints with statements such as “Nothing matters. It’s no use” or “I won’t see you again”
      It is important to note that most teenagers who killed themselves had been in treatment for these psychological conditions. Even for families who have lived with mental illness, the actual death still comes as a profound shock.

WHAT PARENTS AND OTHERS CAN DO
        When the above signs are observed, parents or other family members should talk to their children or family members and seek help from their priests, religious, counselors and other trusted professionals to assist their children or any person showing the above signs. Community hotlines offering access to concerned counselors can thwart suicidal plans because caring undermines intent. This is also a time for more prayer and encouraging those who feel hopeless to trust in God’s mercy and love, and to receive Jesus often in the Eucharist.
        One thinking of suicide needs a person of trust with whom to share. Remind those thinking of suicide to especially entrust themselves to Jesus who loves them and will guide them as a Good Shepherd, and who invites us to come to Him with our burdens and sorrow to receive grace, strength and comfort, and that they have a caring mother in Mary. Parents who see danger signs should not be afraid to ask, “Are you thinking of suicide?” Most teens tell another young person that they are considering suicide, but often that young person does not know what to do with that information. It is important that teens know how to reach adults, and that adults know where to get help. All need to be aware that sadly there are many websites that encourage and describe ways to commit suicide. To counteract this diabolical information, there is a need to stress the sacredness of each human life and that only God is the Master of each and every human being.

CULPABILITY
      The question of eternal damnation is another source of pain for family members, especially for parents of children who have killed themselves. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (no. 2282) states that grave psychological disorders may diminish the responsibility of the one who has committed suicide. People, especially the young, plagued with serious psychological diagnoses make impulsive decisions, clouded by feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and despair. They lack the ability to clearly and objectively appraise their life crisis. Their intellects are clouded, their emotions are in chaos, and their wills are weakened. For all those who are wondering whether their loved one is happy or suffering punishment, Jesus’ prayer of mercy and forgiveness from the cross is an invitation to trust in the Lord. He knows the deepest recesses of each of us, and his love and mercy are greater than anyone can every know or understand.
       Today, suicide is not seen exclusively as a moral problem but also as a mental social, health problem. Many experts in the field of mental health and pastoral care believe that most suicides are irrational. Those who take their lives are so emotionally disturbed that they act compulsively, or their perception of reality is so distorted by their anguish that their freedom of choice is greatly restricted. Therefore, although the act of suicide is objectively wrong, the individual circumstances may make it subjectively guiltless.

COMPASSION AND DECIDE TO LIVE
       The Church teaches compassion and mercy towards those who take their own lives and calls us to reach out with love, comfort and service to their family members and friends. No matter the tragic mistakes, no one has the right to condemn these individuals who take their own lives. More importantly, judgment should be left to God. As our faith teaches us, one of God’s attributes is his mercy, so strongly reflected in Jesus’ ministry.
     Eventually, our faith helps us to let go of the why and to look for the who. There is Someone who can heal us from the wrenching pain of having lost a loved one, especially a child: Jesus. Every family who has lost a family member is free to make the choice to trust in God’s merciful love and to allow his grace to heal their deep wound. May each, supported by the Church and wider community, have the faith to trust in our Heavenly Father!
       For the survivors of suicide victims, memories intensify rather than lessen the pain. Somehow suicide robs them of pleasant memories of the deceased: There were no good-byes and no chance to say, “I am sorry.” Perhaps the most common response to death through suicide is a feeling of guilt. The survivors are obsessed with thoughts about their personal role in precipitating the event. They blame themselves and search for evidence of their failures and omissions.

      One of the most agonizing effects of suicide is the sense of disgrace or social embarrassment the survivors experience. Remember mental illness can affect anyone. Suicide can happen to anyone, even in the “best of families” and to the “best of people.”

     Survivors, especially parents, must learn to let go of the past, putting it all in the hands of our merciful Savior Jesus Christ, and entrusting their lives and their lost ones to the care of Mary our Mother. They must decide to live. Survivors with the help of trusted friends and professionals must work to come to the awareness that they cannot blame their loved one for their own sadness and unhappiness forever. They need to make a decision to live. They need to discuss their feelings of sorrow and confusion with priests, religious, professionals and other caring people. Survivors, go frequently to Mass to receive in Communion the most merciful person, Jesus Christ, and place your sorrow and pain on the altar united to the sufferings of Christ who died for us and will lead us to the new life in His Resurrection. Survivors, join prayer groups and grief groups made up of people suffering similar tragedies.

       Once the survivors begin to take care of themselves, to reaffirm their own goodness, they find their way back to hope. Their faith provides the strength to go on living, and friends provide the comfort to go on loving. They do not forget their sorrow or their loved ones, but slowly new

experiences and more happy memories emerge to heal the hurt. Survivors especially need to receive often the sacrament of God’s mercy, reconciliation, and at each mass hand over all to Jesus.

 

~Some of the material was taken from  St. Anthony Messenger Press and was reprinted with permission.  www.americancatholic.org, 800-488-0488 ©1984. All rights reserved. ~Some information taken also from USCCB folder “Losing a Child to Suicide.”